it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
