Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
