How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
