yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
