it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
