You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
