Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
