my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
