I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
