my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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