I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My vagina just recognized that song.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
