you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
