On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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