I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
