it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
