matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
