I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
