Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
