It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
