Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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