she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
