Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize