I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
