I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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