wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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