If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
