He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
