I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
