you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
