I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize