im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
