I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
