everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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