You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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