Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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