I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
