Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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