How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
