Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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