I wish I could teleport
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
