I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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