I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
