His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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