i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Actions speak louder than pants.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my poor anus
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
