It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
