You made me cry and you don't even care
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
