Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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