You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
