So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
