My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
