i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
