Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
