This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
