I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
