Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Couch. On fire.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
