you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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