Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
