If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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