You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
