I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
