I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize