He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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