I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
