I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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