i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
