Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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